Who Do You Love?

As I have struggled with depression and anxiety lately, the number of people that I can be sure love and care for me has been slowly eroding away.  I can think of specific instances that may have signaled the beginning of the end of some of those relationships and that is ok.  Some relationships are meant for a season and nothing more.  Others have hurt a bit more.  I fully embrace and admit that much of the feeling of being unloved is in my own mind.  When depression shows its ugly face it tends to whisper lies.  My ability to ignore those voices is usually strong but the more tired and overwhelmed I become, I have a harder time shaking them.  Therapy and medication are always a choice, I have gotten better from both of those things in my past and I may be headed back in that direction soon if things don’t get any better.  But I always ask myself, is there anything I can do right now to make this better?  Sometimes the answer is simple, no, but today I have come up with an idea.   

Maybe part of the reason that I feel unloved is because I haven’t really showed who I am or who I am becoming to too many people. I don’t know if I will be rejected by some of you or not so I have just made the assumption that I will be rejected if I don’t fit into your ideal picture for me.  I don’t know where this lunacy comes from but, anyway, it is an actual thing in my head.  What’s worse than be rejected by someone?  Assuming that you will be rejected by everyone. 

So, here we go, I have come up with a few things that I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I am not trying to convince anyone to conform to my position, at least not in this post.  I just want to make it clear that I hold these positions and that coming to some of these conclusions has been a process.  If you are shocked and surprised by any of the things you read it may be because we haven’t talked in a while, it may be because I (for good reason or not) I didn’t think you were a person that would handle it well, or that I wouldn’t handle our conversation well.  Enough babbling, on to my first point.

The LGBTQ community are not sinners.  Let me refine that, they are not sinners because of their sexuality.  The myth that God is condemning people for loving and living the way they were created may be a position that I once held but I can no longer hold that picture of God beside the stories of the loving people I have encountered from the LGBTQ community any more.  This may not seem surprising to some or it may be unthinkable to others.  You have to understand that I have come to this conclusion after much prayer, study and listening.  Please don’t respond with proof texts trying to convince me I am wrong until you have also done the work of studying, listening and praying about this.  If you have never had a lengthy conversation with a person in the LGBTQ community, that might be a good starting point.  Remember, be gracious and willing to learn.

The bible is not all literally true.  At least not in the way that many people mean it when they say it is literally true.  It is a collection of different types of writing. Some of the writing is historical, some prophetic and some mythical.  Some scripture are songs and others a collection of sayings embraced by a specific culture.  All of it is written in partnership with humans.  We tend to have agendas, bias and motivations.  That does not change its value or significance in my life.  I would say that it has made scripture so much more meaningful.  The second I can drop the juggling act of trying to make two opposing view points in scripture agree with one another, I can just listen to the voices of people trying to understand a God too big for understanding.  I still believe that it is God-breathed and beneficial, but that just means something else to me now.     

The church going people who voted for and continue to defend Trump are giving me migraine headaches.  I’m trying to understand.  I really am.  As a person who had voted Republican for much of my young adult life, I get the thought that somehow a Republican will save this country from going to hell but if you spend any time listening to the voices of communities negatively impacted by this man you would see that he is the one bringing some sort of fresh hell to many beloved communities in these United? States.  I think if people spent any time in the gospels, reading the words of Jesus, they would see that this brand of conservative politics has no place in the Church.  Stop allowing yourself to be brainwashed by state sponsored television.  Read more widely, watch new reports, even those coming from the “fake news” sources.  I still love you.  Many of you are close family and friends, but I can not live keeping my frustration from you.

I swear.  Sometimes maybe more than I should but to be honest there are times that an F bomb is the only proper word for a situation.  I don’t think that swearing will send you to hell.  I’m sure that pretending that you don’t swear constantly in your head or in the privacy of your car, and holding back the waterfall of frustration with an innocent “Golly Gee”,  does not make you a better person.   

Speaking of hell, my idea of hell has also changed.  Hell is not some permanent, final destination of endless torment.  Again, many of you will send me scriptures that support your point just as I could do the same to you.  Let’s just not do that.  You can pray for me if you are concerned for my soul.  I just think God should be at least as merciful as me and I can’t imagine wanting to see a person burn forever because they rejected me or even hurt me.  I would bet that most of us, after a few hours, would become sickened by seeing such torture and insist that it stopped.  God is at least that merciful.  I’m not saying that there is no “wage for sin” I’m just saying that I think we have gotten it wrong.  I think it matters because the way we see God influences the way we see the world.  A church that is obsessed with punishment isn’t going to be too quick to forgive, neither ourselves nor others.  I’m still studying, listening and praying through this one.

I guess maybe that’s enough for now.Too much at once may be overwhelming to some of you.I do realize that I am not alone in many of these thoughts and ideas, I am just saddened that we sit silently with them because we have seen the carnage of those who have shared their well reasoned thoughts and are then kicked out of congregations and denominations.That’s ok, I really have no desire to be part of a gathering of people who are so afraid of ideas that they silence and exclude or just gossip about the dangerous rabble-rouser.Rest assured, I am very much still a part of the Church and as painful as it can be at times, still consider myself a Christian.I haven’t lost my faith even if I may have just shaken free of yours (I don’t remember where I heard this concept, I just want to make sure no one thinks it is an original thought attributed to me). I’m hoping that most of you who may have taken the time to read this will be gracious but to those of you who “must” respond in disagreement, I’m much more reasonable in person, over coffee.