Love at Last
The final secret, I think, is this: that the words "You shall love the Lord your God" become in the end less a command than a promise. And the promise is that, yes, on the weary feet of faith and the fragile wings of hope, we will come to love him at last as from the first he has loved us-loved us even in the wilderness, especially in the wilderness, because he has been in the wilderness with us. He has been in the wilderness for us. He has been acquainted with our grief. And, loving him, we will come at last to love each other too so that, in the end, the name taped on every door will be the name of the one we love. -Frederick Buechner This July, my wife and I will have been married for sixteen years. We have been a couple for almost nineteen years. My idea of love during that time has grown and changed more than I could possibly express. I don't just mean a change from a love that looks more like infatuation though that certainly was part of it. I just mean that the way that I love and am devoted looks totally different now than it did when we first met. We met on the campus at Rochester College in Michigan. I was a bit of a punk and on the soccer team. She was a bit of a hippie and friends with everyone. She wrote my name on her Franklin planner and started scheming a way that we may meet from the first. I noticed her from afar, and then, we finally met. We talked for hours as we unknowingly did the ceremonial walk, at least three times, around the "lake" on campus. I remember that evening feeling loved. I mean the true sense of the word the most overwhelming sense of someone who cared deeply for me, listened to me, talking together of our struggles and frustrations, our hopes and our dreams and I felt...loved.
I think my "conversion" story is something similar to that. I grew up in the church but I think the moment I truly entered into a true relationship with God was the first moment I felt and experienced the love of God, His willingness to hear my fears, my struggles, my hopes and my dreams. I don't know what else changed except a moment of feeling, well, worthy of God's love. It's hard for me to even write that because it is still a struggle that I have. The fact that God calls me worthy of His love.
Less a Command Than a Promise
The final secret, I think, is this: that the words "You shall love the Lord your God" become in the end less a command than a promise.
When I read these words from Frederick Buechner I had one of those moments where the world stopped and I could finally breathe deeply for the first time in far too long. I don't do well with commands. I can feel my back and my neck tensing, my breath becomes shallow and I sense another panic attack coming on. Maybe it is a fear of failure or perhaps it is from a long track record of "failing" at things I have tried, commands and promises broken, people I have let down. Or, maybe it's because it feels forced and coercive and nothing like the way that love actually happens. The vows my wife and I took before God and witnesses at our wedding were not commands, they were promises. We didn't really know what we were saying, if we can be honest. No one knows what it means to love a person in sickness and health until death do you part until you experience sickness and darkness together. The promise that we made to each other was that we would figure that out together. In the same way, God knows that you're understanding of love when you first come to the foot of the cross will not be sufficient for all of the dark and desperate moments in life but our commitment to wrestle will continue to spring life from dark valley moments that feel like death.
Love in the Wilderness
...even in the wilderness, especially in the wilderness, because he has been in the wilderness with us. He has been in the wilderness for us.
Matthew 27:46And about three o’clock Jesus cried with a loud voice, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’
God's love for us grew on the cross because in that moment where Jesus cried out, God in the flesh knew what it was like to feel forsaken by God. Now if you've never felt that kind of darkness to where you feel lost, forsaken, unloved, completely without hope ,then maybe that seems like an odd statement. But for those of us who have felt a deep despair, like your chest is cracking open and your gut is twisted in torment, the word "forsaken" is all too familiar. But God has loved us in the wilderness, and as Buechner says, "especially in the wilderness" because Jesus has experienced what God forsakeness feels like.
The promise to us is that there is resurrection on the other side of our feeling forsaken. The valley of the shadow death is a place we are walking through and while we walk through, feeling the weight of the wilderness, we are not alone especially not in the wilderness.
For the Sake of the World
To what end? It's the question that I ask of all of my understandings and beliefs. I can't help but ask why and to what end? I suggest it goes all of the way back to God's first covenant promise with His people. It is for the sake of the world. For those who have been welcomed into the loving arms of the creator AND for those who are still far off. Dare I say, especially for those who are still far off. Our love of neighbor is a promise not a command. If we wrestle with and struggle through this thing called love with the creator, we have already begun the work of wrestling with and struggling through what it looks like to love our neighbor. We love those who are in the wilderness, especially those in the wilderness because we know what it feels like to be in the wilderness, in the valley. We show others that they are not forsaken, that God is with them because we go to them. We listen to their struggles, their disappointments, their hopes and their dreams and we reassure them that they are not alone. It is the love that called us out of the darkness into His glorious light. It is the love that called us to participate in God's ever expanding story of love "so that, in the end, the name taped on every door will be the name of the one we love."