I Know Not What
Do not think that the soul,That is worth much more, Finds joy and happiness In what on earth gives taste; It is beyond beauty, In what is, was or will be, That it tastes I-know-not-what That by fortune I may reach.
Whoever wants to advance Would better use care In what is left to gain Than in what he has already won; And thus aiming for the heights, I will always try For that I-know-not-what That by fortune I may reach.
What comes through the senses And may here be understood And whatever may be learned, Even though very high, Not for all that beauty Will I ever be lost, But for that I-know-not-what That by fortune I may reach.
(taken from the poem, I Know Not What-St John of the Cross)
John of the Cross says in that poem what I have struggled to put into words these past few weeks. It seems that every day we turn on the news to see another senseless murder of a young black man, another bombing in Syria, allegations of corruption in our political system, or innocent police officers being gunned down while doing their jobs. I think the last time I felt this way was probably just after 9-11. I was watching the DNC convention speeches the last two nights and I saw the faces of young people who realized that Bernie Sanders would not receive the nomination. Add to that, they felt that the democratic process had failed them. Corruption had been working against them all along. I want to be clear before I go on that this is not a political message, this is just what was shown on the faces of young people who for the first time in many cases, were a major part of the political process. My heart broke for them. I read a blog post written by a woman who saw first hand the fact that racism is alive and well as she saw young black men, escorted from public transit because of the color of their skin. I turn on the news to see a young woman in Syria, standing in a daze, covered in blood, as she tries to make sense of the violence she has just witnessed. The thing that rises within me can only be described as desire. At the same time, you turn on the TV and commercials promise us a better life if we wear these clothes, drink this pop, watch this movie, get that phone, buy their insurance, we will be comforted. They use that desire that is within us and try to redirect it to one of their products.
But desire isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think we often associate the word desire with lust, coveting, or perversion but desire means so much more. Desire is also what we feel when we see broken, heart wrenching images on television. Desire is what we experience when we hear stories of people experiencing misogyny, bigotry and racism. We desire a world where we could live in peace, where the hungry were fed and the blind received sight. A world where a person was not judged by the color of the skin but by the content of their character. Our desires grow and change as we enter the second half of life. We realize, hopefully, that the promises of shiny new things being able to satisfy our desires, are empty promises. Real and deep desire is for something more than that, something that will sustain. But like John of the Cross, we are often left desiring "I Know Not What".
Part of the work of our internal, spiritual, life is working through that question. What do we desire? I think part of the reason that we haven't explored our desires is that we have received many warning about this word "desire". Margaret Silf addresses this fear in a profound yet succinct manner in Wise Choices.
“We tend to think that if we desire something, it is probably something we ought not to want or to have. But think about it: without desire we would not get up in the morning. …We would never have read a book or learned something new. No desire means no life, no growth, no change. Desire is what makes two people create a third person. Desire is what makes crocuses push up through the late-winter soil. Desire is energy, the energy of creativity, the energy of life itself. So, let’s not be too hard on desire.”
Here's where I hope that it all starts to make sense. The desire, for the thing I can't quite fully name as I watch the news and read disturbing tales of the evils of this world. The desire for something other, for something just, for something merciful. That desire is the thing that is a springboard to something great, to something of God. As I see people who suffer, people who have not been raised with male, white-privelege (the most privileged of the middle class privileges), I actually weep. My heart breaks and aches. This desire for I know not what, rises with in me. I don't have the answers but I have the desire to see something different. I think that desire is what drives us to participate in the kingdom of God. The work of the representative of that kingdom, at least part of it, is to let that desire drive you to dream. Let it grow you, change you and energize you. Let it be the thing that gets you up in the morning. Let it be the thing that changes the way we see each other and how we interact. Our two choices when seeing the evils of this world are to curl up into a ball of hopelessness and do nothing, or to let the desire for something greater inspire us to enact change. Desire is what drove Dr King to lead people from Selma to Montgomery, Desire is what led Gandhi to gather the disenfranchised and lead them in peaceful civil disobedience against the British Empire. A desire for hope and healing is what inspired the invention of many medical treatments and surgeries. Desire is what has led the Great Commission and it is what led Christ's voluntary journey to the cross.
Today, take inventory of your desires. What moves you and motivates you? What gets you up in the morning and what brings you to tears? Those things may just be the beginning of your divine vocation. It may be the thing that brings peace to a hurting world or it may just put a smile on someone's face. Maybe those two things are one in the same. Whatever desire it is that God has placed inside of you, remember, desire is a gift from God, wield it wisely.