Share the 20% — Plucking and Planting

I know I am not alone in this but I often feel like an alien in my own body. That's quite a way to lead off, I know, but it is one of the most true things I could say. It is strange to be 38 and feel like you're really not sure who you are. I think some of how I have existed in this world is almost a sort of trying on different ways of being. I don't mean to imply that I have been in anyway inauthentic. I'm not intentionally putting on different skin to try out for a day, I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin much of the time. Add to it that from a very young age we are taught a certain way of being in the world. Hyper children are medicated, loud kids are told to be quiet, messy kids are told to clean up, all of us are constantly told to hurry up. With all of the medication, the correction and the discouragement, we are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. We proclaim a one size fits all way of behaving. There is little to no time for us to figure out who we really are. For many people, that time of self discovery happens in college. That is the first time that we don't have someone saying all of those things we heard as children, "you're going to be late", "clean your room", "you're being too loud", "turn that down", etc. It is the time in our lives where we can try on some behaviors, for better and for worse, and see how they "fit". The problem, I suspect for many of us, is that sometimes we keep a way of being that we were never meant to wear. From a young age we were being taught to conceal our true nature.

I remember when I was just about to graduate with my degree in Psychology that I felt like I could change the world. I searched all of the possible jobs I might be able to get with my new piece of paper that declared I had a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. When Niki and I got married, we agreed that the amount of money that we made didn't really matter. That gets challenged the second you start getting your own bills and Student Loan payback starts. I felt like playing the part of an adult meant getting a job that paid well. That was my one requirement. I didn't worry about whether or not the work was fulfilling, the anxiety and worry associated with the work, ethics and morals were nowhere in my decision making process. I need to say here that I am thankful for the opportunity to work in the insurance field for nearly a decade but it was definitely not me. I was still playing a part that my essence did not agree with. I was agin being asked, by the corporate world to conceal and hold back.

Fast forward that decade of insurance work and I was finding that I couldn't keep putting on the uniform of suit and tie and sit in a cubicle. I don't usually like the language of "calling" but that is exactly what was happening. I felt like my soul was expanding, stretching and nearly exploding from my inner-most being. I knew I couldn't ignore the pull which was leading me to ministry. I didn't know what it looked like, though I knew it would not fill those needs I thought were so vital when I first left college of money and general security. Making that decision, with the full unwavering support and encouragement from my brilliant wife, is one of the best decisions we have ever made. But, I fell in the same trap again. I was being told what leadership should look like. "Put on a game face", "make sure everything looks good", "never let em' see you sad or angry", "you're in a fishbowl now", "give full energy on stage", "don't listen to them, they don't tithe anyway". It all felt dangerously close the types of things you would hear in a corporate environment but I had done that for the last 10 years so I could play that part again. The problem was that I couldn't. I love all of the people that I was doing work with there but that same feeling from my inner most being was pulling, stretching and expanding. My skin felt too tight, something had to change.

Thankfully, I got the opportunity to do ministry in Pontiac, Michigan with some of the best people ever. I felt like I could figure out who I was while still being in the public eye. We may argue for hours in the parking lot or spend an equal amount of time laughing and telling stories in the diner. We shared the struggles going on at home or with our finances and we might have an unexpected pizza dropped off when things were getting hectic. There wasn't a business plan, there wasn't a strategy, other than trying to do the types of things that Jesus might call us to do.

Even with all of the beauty of that time in Pontiac, there was still a feeling like "I can't share all of me". It wasn't the fault of any of the people there. I think it is the fault of the social structure that is church in the western world. This isn't just a cynical look at the state of the church for us today. I love the Church. I love it so much, and the people who have answered the call as its leaders, that we have to see it change. For some reason, for many of us, church is the one place that we CAN'T be totally honest. It sounds absolutely crazy but even in a place of worship like we had in Pontiac, that I think was the absolute best worship community that I have ever been a part of, it felt like some people were holding back. I felt like I was holding back. As a leader, this just gets amplified. If Sister so and so, or Brother who's it say that they are considering (insert most recent theological taboo topic), people may vehemently disagree but the church isn't going to fall apart over it. This is not the case for the Pastor. Now it isn't just an opinion of a church member. It's almost as if people think that this new thought will require new doctrine. Now lines are being drawn and fear begins circling through the fellowship hall and outside the front door. Text messages and phone calls pick up as people are trying to stay one step ahead of what this could mean for the worship community. Because of this, most leaders would admit that they really only share about 80 to 90 percent of what they are thinking theologically. That means 10 to 20 percent of what a leader feels or is processing, remains locked in a safe place in their mind and heart. The end result is that you never get to fully experience that person.

I am guessing that this type of behavior doesn't just exist in Pastors. The Sunday School teacher, the beautiful people who organize meals for those who fall ill, the greeters at the door and those who stake claim to the pew in the back so as to guarantee a quick exit. Everyone is holding back. The result is that we are all starving and longing for real contact. Something feels superficial even though the love that we have for each other is so deep and profound, it is still somehow incomplete. I hear of too many Pastors committing suicide, living in a secret deep depression, feeling overwhelmed and helpless, lost and alone. Many leaders and lay members are quietly experiencing a deconstruction of their past beliefs and the one safe place that God has given us to process all of that mess often feels like the least safe space to do so.

Creating Safe Space

I propose that this is the single most important step for our worship communities. Nothing like making such a bold claim that will readily be discounted but I prefer to overshoot and that step back. It is that important to our churches. If we can't safely discuss Homosexuality without the shocked stares and the following whispers questioning a person's faithfulness then we have failed. If we can't discuss the way that many churches have snuggled dangerously close to the empire with our blind allegiance to a political party then we have missed the mark. If a church is so fragile that it can't look at decisions that were made decades prior and see if they are still in line with what God is doing now then was God really behind the decision in the first place. The way we interpret scripture, creation and evolution, homosexuality, trans-gendered issues, the treatment of minorities, women's roles in the church, science, diseases, the problem of evil in this world, all of these are things that people are holding in their 20% that can't be discussed in and among too many church circles. The problem is that the entire world is having these discussions and for some reason much of the church has closed its doors to these matters.

In this safe space, you will disagree. In this safe space you will be hurt and mad. In this safe space you will be asked to set aside some things you have held to for your entire life. You will do this because you love your brother and sister THAT much. You value their thoughts and opinions, you have worked alongside them as you served food to the community and they visited you in your darkest hour. You will value their thoughts and opinions because you love them. You can't love and respect 80% of a person it's kind of an all or nothing sort of thing.

To the people who are holding back, the people who are wrestling through deconstruction or trying to put the pieces back together, you can't do it alone. You have to find someone in your church community to share that 10 to 20% with. You may find that thing you have been struggling with alone has been the same thing that your brother or sister has been struggling with as well. That feeling you have had, that no one gets you, is partly because you haven't shown them ALL of you. Do it for the people who are directly impacted by these divisive issues. Do it for the sake of the church and God's desire for it to reflect His kingdom. Do it for the peace you will receive when you let go of the heavy load that no thing asked you to carry. Be bold, be kind, be real.